Part of Me
by Ciara1
Summary: Something that could have happened - though i doubt it did - after the last part of the finale. It's a spoiler for this season's finale, just so you're aware!


Part of Me  _ Everybody's got something they had to leave behind _   
_ One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time _   
  


I guess you could say it was the biggest mistake of my life, because that's how it's looking right now. I mean, how much time have I spent being totally and completely in love with this girl, and what do I do? I break it off with her. And not only that, I make her feel like it's all her fault in the process. 

  
  
_ There's no use looking back or wondering _   
How it could be now or might have been All this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go   
  


It was inevitable, really. I mean, she had a soul mate, right? The guy made it clear that he was her destiny; that's why he let us be together at all. I knew she hated it that I always brought him up, but it was true. He is and always will be first in her heart. He's always above me, even if it's only by a little. 

  
  
_ I never had a dream come true _   
_ Until the day that I found you _   
_ Even though I pretend that I moved on _   
_ You'll always be my baby _   
_ I never found the words to say _   
_ That you're the one I think about each day _   
_ And I know no matter where life takes me to _   
_ A part of me will always be with you _   
  


All those things Andie said, all those things Doug said, all those things Dawson said-they're all true. They all told me the same thing-at the end of the day, I would be the one all alone. And that's exactly what happened. But I know that no one will ever take her place in my heart. I felt something special with her, something different than what I ever had with Tamara or Andie. 

  
  
_ Somewhere in my memory I lost all sense of time _   
_ And tomorrow will never be cause yesterday is all that fills my mind _   
  


She was only thing that seemed to make sense in my life. Amidst all the bad grades and family problems, not to mention the fact that my best friend in the world wasn't speaking to me, she was the one that kept me alive. It's as simple as that. I guess, in a way, that's why I left. But now I'm starting to think that it doesn't matter where I am, because I'll still think about her. 

  
  
_ There's no use looking back or wondering _   
_ How it should be now or might have been _   
_ All this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go _   
_ I never had a dream come true _   
_ Until the day that I found you _   
_ Even though I pretend that I moved on _   
_ You'll always be my baby _   
  


So now I'm sitting here, wondering if she actually believes all the things I told her at the prom. They seemed like good excuses, and they made sense, and maybe they're even true. But they're not the reason. There's one reason, only one-Dawson. I wish he wasn't the reason, but he is. For the longest time, all I could think about was the look on her face when she saw Dawson and Gretchen kissing under the mistletoe. Or how happy she was when she was dancing with him at the prom. Or, to go way back, the fact that she would have been thinking about him if she had actually let me kiss her that night after the marine biology project. 

  
  
_ I never found the words to say _   
_ That you're the one I think about each day _   
_ And I know no matter where life takes me to _   
_ A part of me will always be _   
  


If there's one thing I'll never forget in my life, it's the moment she told me she loved me for the first time. The way she explained to me that she didn't want to deny it anymore, and she didn't want to run from it or let it run from her. And then…then she told me she wanted to come with me. She wanted to spend three months alone with me. And she told me she needed me. 

  
  
_ You'll always be the dream that fills my head _   
_ Yes you will, say you will, you know you will oh baby _   
_ You'll always be the one I know I'll never forget _   


I had never really known what it felt like to be needed. No one had ever really needed me before. I had never even really felt loved before she came along. But there she was, declaring her love for me, and telling me she wanted to come with me on a boat for three months, with no guarantee of even living through God knows what storms or otherwise life threatening obstacles that stood in our way. 

  
  
_ There's no use no use looking back or wondering _   
_ Because love is a strange and funny thing _   
_ No matter how I try and try I just can't say goodbye _   
_ No, no, no, no _   
  


So right now, despite my better judgement, I am taking out my phone and dialing the number of the Potter B &B. It rings about three times, then someone picks up. "Hello?" It was Bessie. 

"Hey, its Pacey." 

"Pacey, hi." She sounded surprised, which I guess could be expected. 

"Um, is Joey there?" 

"No, she's not. She said something about going over to Dawson's to help him pack, you can try her there." I could imagine her shrugging her shoulders as she spoke, the way Joey always used to do. 

"Ok, thanks Bess." I turn the phone off and just sit for a while, trying to decide whether or not I should call. Even though I want to hear her voice, I don't really have anything to say. Well, besides telling her I'm still hopelessly in love with her and probably always will be, but it won't do any good. 

I suddenly remember what Dawson had told me about her. "She's the same as you are, Pace, keeping herself busy." Maybe it was a little different wording, but that was the gist of it. 

  
  
_ I never had a dream come true _   
_ Until the day that I found you _   
_ Even though I pretend that I moved on _   
_ You'll always be my baby _   
  


So I decide to call the Leery house to see if she's there. The phone rings once…twice…three times…four times…five times…I'm about to hang up when someone picks up, takes a deep breath, and says, "Lo?" 

"Dawson, my man, you seem a little out of breath." I laugh a little, trying to keep a cool exterior. 

"Pacey?" He actually sounds sort of panicky. "Pacey, what, uh, what's up?" 

"I…" that's about all I can say. 

"Yeah?" 

"Is Joey there?" I ask, trying to sound as casual as possible. 

"Uh, yeah, just a sec." 

Well, a sec turns into about three minutes, or at least it seems that long. I sigh deeply into the phone, wondering what's taking so long. Maybe they were outside when I called, and that was why Dawson seemed so out of- 

"Hello?" 

"Hey, Jo." 

"Hey, Pace." 

Silence. Complete silence that seems to last for hours, even though it's probably only a couple of seconds. 

"So." 

"Yeah, um…I really don't know why I called." 

"Oh. Well…I miss you, Pace." 

"I miss you too, Potter." I feel the familiar sting of tears in my eyes, and force myself to keep them back. "I miss you too." Part of me wants so much to tell her I love her and I need her, more than anyone in the world. "So how are things in Capeside? I hear you're helping Dawson pack?" As soon as she answers this, I'm telling her, because I just can't keep it inside anymore. 

"Oh! Um…yeah, we're just packing. Stuff. Ya know, clothes and…stuff." 

There it is. It's all I need. "Tell me what's really going on, Potter." 

"What?" 

"You heard me. I know that flustered voice. Tell me what you're really doing with Dawson, because I'm sure as hell not going to believe that all you're doing is packing." There's so much bitterness and anger in my voice that I barely recognize it. I realize that this is what I must have sounded like at the prom. 

"Fine, Pace, you want the truth? Dawson and I…were kissing, okay?" I feel the tears that I just can't hold in any longer cascade down my cheeks. "Is that what you wanted to hear? I don't know how it happened, ok?" 

"Its ok, Jo," I say softly. "It really is." 

"No…" 

"Yeah, it is." By this point, I'm practically whispering, not to mention lying through my teeth, and I can't even control the strangled breaths and tears coming down. 

"Pacey, there's not even anything going on between us." 

"I know that Jo, I'm the one who caused it-" 

"No, Pace, not you and me. Me and Dawson. He just kissed me all of a sudden, and-" 

"And it just felt right. Jo, it's ok. You don't have to sugar coat it and try to make it better. I know you and Dawson have something special, and that's why I left-I don't want to stand in the way of that." 

"Pacey, please-" 

"Joey, stop." It sounds like a command, even to me. 

"It's still true, ya know." 

"What is?" 

"What I told you before. How you want me to be happy. I'm not happy without you, I want you to know that." I start to object, but she speaks again. "Please don't start with all the stuff about Dawson, ok? I don't know what makes you think you know better than I do what makes me happy, but you're wrong if you think its Dawson." 

Another long silence. Finally, I speak. "I'll see ya, Jo." 

"See ya, Pace." She sniffs a few times. "I still love you, Pacey Whitter. I don't see how you think you can run away from me and it'll make me happy because I have this emptiness inside. You're the only one who will ever be able to make it go away." 

  
  
_ I never found the words to say _   
_ That you're the one I think about each day _   
_ And I know no matter where life takes me to _   
_ A part of me will always be with you _   
  


I don't even get a chance to answer, because she hangs up. I wanted to tell her that everything she just said to me is exactly what I feel for her, and then some. But I know that, even if what she said was true now, it wouldn't be once she had Dawson to herself again. It reminds me of something he told me once (A.N. - yes, I know he said this to Joey, but let's just pretend he said it to Pacey also): "She wants you. She wants you like I want her. She loves you like I love her. The only difference is you love her back the same way." And now it's reversed. It's the way it should be. It makes me feel like nothing, and I think the only thing that keeps me from dying of a broken heart is knowing that Joey's happy. That's the only thing that matters to me. I wish I could tell her all these things…well, minus the Dawson part. But that's just it-Dawson's holding me back from her, because he deserves her more than I do. At least, that's what I make myself believe. But I'm not like him, I'm not as self-centered as he was-I'm letting her go. I guess you could say…Dawson is this year's Pacey. 

  
  
_ I never had a dream come true _   
_ Until the day that I found you _   
_ Even though I pretend that I moved on… _   
_ A part of me will always be with you _   
  
_ The end!! I hope you liked it, just something I thought up a couple nights ago after seeing the season finale. Feedback would be nice, considering this is the first fanfic I've ever posted… _


End file.
